Q. What do you call a blonde lead singer with half a brain?

A. Gifted!

Q. If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground        first?

A. Who cares?

Saint Peter is greeting the new arrivals at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" asks St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels -- I divided all the money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are set for at least three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" beams Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five hundred dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Good heavens!" exclaims St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

Q. How do you get a guitarist to play softer?

A. Put some sheet music in front of him.

Q. What's the difference between a punk guitarist and a bag of garbage?

A. The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a gift certificate good for several bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, how did it go?"

"Great! Today I learned the first three notes on the E string."

Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first three notes on the A string."

A week later, the son comes home far later than usual, reeking of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson? And why are you so late?"

"Sorry, Dad, I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!"