The six-piece cover band finally got hired for a dream gig: Three months aboard a cruise ship as the house band. The bandmates daydream about spending days lying by the pool, afternoons drinking with beautiful bikinied passengers, and evenings performing in front of beautiful people. The band agrees to practice dilligently during the two weeks before the cruise so they will sound their best.

Days tick by with one problem: at least one band member is missing at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every member of the band has missed two or more rehearsals, except for the ever-faithful drummer.

The day before the band is to set sail, at the end of the last dress rehearsal, the band leader takes a moment to thank the drummer for his faithful attendance.

The drummer humbly responds, "It's the least I could do, since my wife won't let me go on the cruise."

Q. What do you call a musician who breaks up with his girlfriend?

A. Homeless!

Johnny: "Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a lead singer in a cover band!"

Mom: "Now Johnny, you can't do both!"

Q. How do you improve the aerodynamics of an accordian player's car?

A. Take the Pizza delivery sign off the roof.

A scientist, along with his trusty guide, arrives in Borneo to research the giant rat of Sumatra. At dusk the first day, he's sitting by the campfire when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide remarks, "I don't like the sound of those drums..."

As dusk turns to evening, the drums get louder. The guide declares, "I really don't like the sound of those drums!"

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums!"

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"

Q. What do you call a blonde lead singer with half a brain?

A. Gifted!

Q. If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground        first?

A. Who cares?

Saint Peter is greeting the new arrivals at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" asks St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels -- I divided all the money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are set for at least three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" beams Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five hundred dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Good heavens!" exclaims St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

Q. How do you get a guitarist to play softer?

A. Put some sheet music in front of him.

Q. What's the difference between a punk guitarist and a bag of garbage?

A. The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a gift certificate good for several bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, how did it go?"

"Great! Today I learned the first three notes on the E string."

Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first three notes on the A string."

A week later, the son comes home far later than usual, reeking of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson? And why are you so late?"

"Sorry, Dad, I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!"